::::sigh:: Well here I am yet again stuck with a boring night at work. I don't know why I am here sometimes. It's so slow that in a sense I am making $5 a call. I guess I should not complain. Somepeople would love my job.. I am the kind of person who needs to be doing stuff. The days go by so slow when there are no calls.

The guy that sits behind me at work has a crush on me. He is kinda good looking. He calls me pretty eyes. There are a few problems though. First of all he is 41. Secondly he has 5 kids and a grandkid. Now he wouldn't be bad for a fling. He is cute and He is a sweetie. We really get along well. I hope that I am not sounding "deserate" .

I mailed off my video to the Real World yesterday. Now all I have to do is wait. You know I hope that I am accepted. I think that it would be a great adventure to go through. I am a person that loves adventure.

As I ended the last entry I stated that there were some thoughts going through my mind and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share them...I have been thinking about my father alot lately. He left us when I was 3 days old and then died when I was 5. I never knew him. It's something that pains me. I wish that I knew him. Since meeting my older brother and younger sisters I have gotten to know a little more about him. Yet there are things that I may never know. How could he hate me so much not to even want to see me. At that age what coould I possibly have done to make him hate me???? I know that there is no way that it was something that I did. But I still wonder that. It is a question that I will never have the answer to. I wish that there was some way that I could speak to him. To ask him all the questions that I want to know. My mom says that he left because I was a girl, but my sisters were born after me and he stayed with them....I guess in some ways I feel anger towards him and yet there is part of me that loves him. I have his picture up with me at work. I look at it for guidance sometimes. Growing up I would talk to him at night. I know that sounds silly but I guess talking to someone who is not there is something that calmed me and helped clear my head. He was a good looking man and I see a little bit of him in each of us kids. My older brother is almost a spitting image of him. I guess I wish that I had some closure. There are too many unanswered questions. ....

well that is the babble for the day.